There are the things you know I’m your head but not in your heart.

When we first started trying I knew intellectually that it normally takes couples some time to conceive. Yet somewhere in my heart I thought I would be one of the lucky ones. I thought that the long road to conception was something that happened to other people. When I got my first period after a month of trying I burst into tears. I knew I was being silly. I understood that it was improbable that it would happen right away. But my heart hadn’t caught up. It was disappointed it wasn’t special.

After some time, my head really got behind the mantra that everything was going to be ok. That this was normal. There was no reason to worry yet. My heart was getting sad though. I felt like this was just my luck that, of course, things wouldn’t go well for me.

Then I went to the doctor, thinking she would say ‘I know it’s frustrating but this is normal. It happens to lots of people. You are overreacting’  But she didn’t. She ordered tests. She corroborated my sinking heart.