When I went to the doctor after months of trying to conceive she referred me to a specialist. I had actually thought she would tell me to chill out, that nothing was wrong and I was just being neurotic. But no, she didn’t tell me that it’s common for it to take a long time or that I had nothing to worry about. She thought I should seek help.
When I told my friend about this she just piped back “well that’s good she’s being so proactive”. Yes, it was true. It was good that my doctor had taken me seriously and that I had resources at my disposal to get help. But in that moment, I was sad and all I wanted was to be sad. I didn’t want to have to put on a happy face and count my blessings. I didn’t want to see the glass half full. That could come later. But for one day, I just wanted to mope about my situation. I just wanted to be irrational and bitch and moan about how nobody else seems to have these problems. I needed some time to realign my expectations that things would happen easily to the possible reality of visits to fertility clinics, sperm samples, IVF – who knows what. But my friend just tried to cheer me up. Damn her.
A few days later I visited another friend. I vented about the situation. How it was hard to trust that it can take a long time when you haven’t had any children. You don’t know if it’s you or just the way it works. She told me that I should stop stressing about it, that I wasn’t doing myself any favours by being stressed because stress isn’t good for conception. I was shooting myself in the foot by worrying about this. Fair enough. Stress is not good for health, nevermind pre-conception health. But you can’t just tell someone who is stressed out to stop stressing. By pointing out that their worries may be damaging you give them even more reason to worry.
When I’m in a bad mood I screen my calls when some friends call me. Especially people I haven’t spoke to in awhile. I know they don’t want to hear my negativity. When I do answe, it can take a lot of energy to spin my life. How’s everything Going? Great. How’s work? Good. It’s hard to hold a conversation with someone who is a dead weight. “My job is boring as hell and I can’t get pregnant” just isn’t fun. People don’t like negative people. I don’t like negative people. But once in a while I need to be that mopey wet blanket who can’t see the bright side. Tomorrow I’ll be peppy. Today it takes to much energy.
Today I just need to be.